


How I Met Your Father

by Kaysigns



Series: Four Human-Eating Monsters and An Apathetic Florist [9]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Drider!Roman, Fluff and Crack, Ghoul!Logan, M/M, Meeting the Parents, Multi, Naga!Janus, Virgil's dad is a crackhead, vampire!patton - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:48:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25615387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaysigns/pseuds/Kaysigns
Summary: Virgil's dad decides to come over to meet Virgil's soulmates. Who knew he'd have a story about his own run-in with a beautiful naga
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Deceit | Janus/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton (Sanders Sides), DLAMP
Series: Four Human-Eating Monsters and An Apathetic Florist [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1746241
Comments: 17
Kudos: 314





	How I Met Your Father

**Author's Note:**

> Lost my motivation to write for a little bit but it's kinda back now! This started out as a completely different story, but then I got new ideas half-way through and it became crack

Virgil bit at his thumbnail as he mentally went through their plan. His dad was finally coming over and meeting his boyfriends. Virgil had realized that this would happen eventually, but he had never really planned for it. Patton rubbed gentle circles into his back.

“It’s gonna be alright, sweetheart. I’m sure he’ll understand.” Virgil wiped down the kitchen counters a second time, not taking his eyes away from his work.

“Everyone knows the plan, right?”

“Yup! I’m sure it’ll work out fine. The night’ll end with us all eating dinner around the table having a pleasant conversation, hopefully without him being scared of any of us.” Virgil took a deep breath.

“We’re not telling him about the cannibalism, right?”

“No human-eating talk!” Patton confirmed cheerily.

“Cool.” Virgil took a final glance around the kitchen, deeming it clean enough, before double-checking the fridge to make sure no one had crammed any body parts in there. Patton could still feel the anxiety in his stiff movements and slightly trembling hands. Once Virgil closed the fridge, Patton gently wrapped his arms around his shoulders, nuzzling into his back.

“If things don’t go well, I could wipe his memory of it and we could try again some other time. Only if you were okay with that, though.” Virgil hummed, enjoying the feeling of Patton’s cold arms wrapped around him. He didn’t like the idea of Patton mind-controlling anyone, much less his own dad. But in this case...

“We’ll keep that idea on hold.” Just in case he destroyed his relationship with this. Patton smiled, laying a kiss on Virgil’s back. He pulled away and checked the time.

“Your dad said four o’clock, right? He should be here soon.”

“Oh crap.” Virgil ran down the hall, nearly running into Logan as he swung the bedroom door open. Janus and Roman were already lying there, painting each other’s nails. Janus jumped slightly at Virgil’s entrance, looking him up and down for a moment before going back to what he was doing.

“Did you need to grab something before your father got here?”

“Just...wanted to check on you guys.” Virgil walked over to the bed, shoving a part of Janus’s tail out of the way before taking a seat. “You guys are gonna be quiet, right?”

“You act like that’s hard for us to do.” Roman spoke. Virgil stared at him until he noticed, causing him to huff in an annoyed fashion. “Okay, fair point. But we’ll try our best! We don’t want to ruin what you have.”

“You told your brother about this, right? He won’t be crashing through the window like he does pretty much every Friday night?”

“I told him, Emile’s keeping him distracted.” Virgil nodded to himself, trying to think of anything he might be missing. Janus put a hand on Virgil’s cheek.

“It’s going to be fine. This will work out. You, Logan, and I came up with the plan ourselves, so the chances of it going wrong aren’t very likely.”

“Well that’s optimistic.” Virgil mumbled. There was a knock on the door, causing Virgil to bolt up off the bed. “Alright, well...just stay quiet in here. I’ll call you guys in when he’s ready.” He practically ran out the door. Patton had already opened the front door, welcoming and introducing himself to Virgil’s father.

Virgil skidded to a stop once he got to the living room, giving his dad an awkward smile and wave, glancing quickly at Patton to make sure he had donned his human disguise.

“Pretty nice place you found here, Vee. Next to a forest too, huh?” Virgil’s dad spoke as he took a look around.

“Yeah. Good for photography and plants and stuff.” He didn’t want to mention the drider cave in walking distance from his home.

“Well, that suits you alright.” Logan came in in his human form, introducing himself to the father. They had all sat down around the coffee table, allowing Virgil’s dad to get to know them a bit before revealing anything to him. By the time he had been there for a full hour and Logan had begun making dinner, Virgil decided it was time to spill.

“So, uh...dad, about my soulmates—” He gestured awkwardly to Patton and Logan, “—they’re not exactly human.” Virgil’s father stared blankly, his mind seeming to have malfunctioned. Patton glanced at Virgil nervously, before shedding his human disguise.

“Mr. Sanders, I know this is probably really weird and scary, and maybe difficult to understand, but I’m a vampire, and Logan’s a ghoul.”

“We are not planning on eating your son if you have concerns about that.” Logan added. Virgil’s dad nodded slowly, glancing between the two.

“Huh.” He thought for a moment. “So are you two dead, or did you come to life or—”

“We were kinda born like this.” Patton answered. “Our parents and siblings are vampires and ghouls, too.”

“Okay...so what about your other soulmates? Where  _ are _ they, actually?” Virgil furrowed his brow, confused at how calmly he was taking this.

“They’re in the bedroom. I could have them come out if you wanna meet them.” His dad nodded eagerly, only adding to Virgil’s confusion as he ran to the bedroom to call them out.

His father’s eyes passed right over Roman, only to land on Janus, staring with a somewhat nostalgic look in his eyes. “A naga, huh?” He chuckled to himself. “What, does seducing snakes run in the family?”

“I’m sorry, what?” His dad’s smile widened as he seemed to prepare himself to tell a story he had been waiting his whole life to tell.

“Son, did I ever tell you how I met your mother?”

“If you end this by saying I’m half naga or something, I swear to god.” Virgil returned to the couch, Roman and Janus taking their seats right next to him.

“Oh no, don’t worry, you’re completely human. You do technically have a couple adopted naga siblings, though.” The father seemed to relish in Virgil’s confusion, as he wouldn’t continue until Virgil demanded for him to explain what the hell he meant.

“You see, bud, back in college I stumbled into the woods and ran into this really beautiful naga named Medea. Long red hair, bright yellow eyes, blood dripping from her mouth, the works. And she was holding these four naga eggs and wasn’t really able to do anything while protecting them, so I just decided to try and help her out.” He sighed, his eyes glazed over as he reminisced.

“Yeah, I almost died, it was kinda hot. We got to talking after that and eventually she trusted me enough to watch her eggs while she went hunting for whatever she ate. We kinda hit it off and were a thing all throughout college, but then when college was over I had to move out of my dorm. I asked her and the kids to come with me to a new home, but she just didn’t want to.” He scanned over Janus for a moment, smirking to himself before continuing.

“She wanted me to live in her cave, and I wasn’t really comfortable with that. So, she got upset and started trying to kidnap me, and that was kind of the turn off. Had to sneak out at night to stay with a friend and her roommate a few miles away. And then when I got there, I introduced myself to her roommate, a simple “Hey I’m Toby, good to meet ya,” we shook hands, and that’s when we realized we were soulmates.”

He ended the story with a pat on Virgil’s knee and a proud smile. “And that’s how I met your mother. Well, one of your mothers; your other mom was a barista at a coffee shop.” They all stared at him with wide eyes, seeming to still be processing the whole “kidnapping” part.

“Dad, what the fuck?”

“Yeah.” His dad said with a sigh. “I try to stay out of Alabama just in case Medea’s still looking for me.” Janus took a deep breath, nodding and accepting that this was truly what he had just heard.

“Well, Mr. Sanders, I can assure you that I’m nothing like this Medea. I would never do that to Virgil.”

“You tried to make me stay in your cave when we first started dating.” Janus sent Virgil a glare before forcing on a calm face.

“Well, yeah, but I didn’t try to kidnap you.”

“Well...”

“Shut up, that was one time.” Janus hissed. Patton cleared his throat.

“So does this mean you’re okay with us dating?”

“Oh hell yeah, go ahead.”

“Wait, seriously?” Virgil asked. “I kept our relationship a secret for almost a whole year only to find out I could’ve told you about it right away?” His dad shrugged.

“And who’s fault is that really?”

“Dad, they kill people!”

“I’m fine with that, and it looks like you are, too.” The timer for the oven went off and Logan went to take care of it while Virgil tried to think of a comeback. Soon enough the six were having a casual discussion over dinner, and all was well.

That night as they all laid in bed, Virgil stared up at the ceiling blankly. “What do you think my moms are gonna think of this?”

“Wait, they aren’t dead?” Roman mumbled, already half-asleep.

“No, they were working tonight.”

“Well, your dad will probably tell them all about us, and that will confuse them quite a bit.” Logan answered.

“I wonder if he ever told them about Medea.” Patton questioned, running a hand across Janus’s tail.

“Probably not, so...your mothers are in for quite the confusing night, Virgil.” Janus smirked. Virgil couldn’t even imagine having to explain both his dad’s past relationship with a naga and his current relationship with four creatures his moms probably weren’t even aware existed at the same time.

He smirked, admittedly kind of pleased to imagine what his dad was probably going through right about now. “Good. Well, goodnight. Love you guys.” Patton hummed happily, curling up closer to him. With a chorus of various different  _ love yous _ thrown around, the five drifted off slowly to sleep, Virgil feeling as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

**Author's Note:**

> That awkward moment when your dad is the true main character who's been in a coffee shop AU AND an "and they were roommates" AU


End file.
